ShinRa Texts
by Enide Dear
Summary: Failed texts, everyone sends them occationally...even on Gaia
1. Chapter 1

From: Sephiroth  
To: Hojo  
S: Stop trying to be funny! You can't make jokes!  
H: I made you

From: Rufus ShinRa  
To: Rude  
At: 2 in the morning  
RS: Rude, I require your immediate presence! There is a moth in my bedroom!  
RS: Rude, where are you? You know I have an irrational fear of insects!  
RS: Rude?  
RS: Rude!  
R: Rude is dead. You are next. Love, Moth.

From: Angeal Hewley  
To: Zack Fair  
A: Genesis and I fondled ourselves last night. No good results. Nothing came up.  
Z: Maybe you should invite Sephiroth?  
A: Damn auto erect! I meant we googled ourselves! No results.  
A: I meant auto correct….

From: Reno  
To: Tseng  
R: I'm hitting some bad trannies, so I'll be late  
T: Reno, we've talked about this. If you are going to pick up transvestites, at least pick good ones. Like Cloud.  
R: FUCK! I meant bad trains! Bad trains!  
T: Sure you did.

From: Cid Highwind  
To: Kadaj  
(A/N: This only makes sense in the Family Bliss context)  
CH: Why the Hell are your brothers crying now?!  
K: Remember when they killed a butterfly and you said 'no butter for a month'  
CH: Yeah, so?  
K: Remember when they killed a bee and you said 'no honey for a month'  
CH: Yeah, but why the hell are they crying?!  
K: They killed a cockroach.

Reviews, people. I love 'em ;)


	2. Chapter 2

From: Reno

To: Rude

Reno: U home?

Rude: Yeah just watching the game

Reno: Good, I'll come over. I'll bring some cold hermaphrodites

Rude: Couldn't find any hot transvestites today?

Reno: Fuck! I meant Henineken!

A/N: The phone hates Reno

From: Angeal

To: Zack

A: Want to bang tonight?

A: I meant hang. Duck auto-cucumber

A: God donut!

A: How the duck do I turn this off?!

Z: It is painful watching you struggle, man.

A/N: But not as much as it hates Angeal

From: Genesis

To: Angeal

G: I want you naked when you come home

A: Sounds great!

G: Not really. Your puppy brought home fleas.

From: Cloud

To: Zack

C: Come over to my place tonight?

Z: Sure, why?

C: I'll give you a hint. It involves pillows and blankets

Z: OMG WE'RE BUILDING A FORT?!

From: Lazard

To: Tseng

L: I read on ShinRaNet that you are selling your penis. Is it still for sale?

L: If so, then i would like to come by tonight for a test ride.

T: I am selling a Prius. Would that be what you mean, sir?

L: My appologize! Auto correct...

T: You could see that I had to ask, though, sir. This is ShinRa after all.

From: Lazard

To: Tseng

L: Tseng, I accidently shook my cock too hard and I got stains all over my suit and desk. Do you have any stain removers?

T: I belive Genesis and Sephiroth use ShinRa Off to get stains of your mahogny desk, sir.

L: My appologize, I meant coke, not cock

L: Wait, they do what on my desk?!

T: Well, dont you have an interesting conversation to look forward to?


	3. Chapter 3

From: Tseng  
To: Reno  
T: Mission report on babysitting the president's young son  
R: We're fine. We're down by the fuckpond. Those little fucklings are really giddy and eating out of his hand, yo  
T: Turn off your auto correct. You sent 'fuck' instead of 'duck'  
R: I did turn it off!  
T: GET RUFUS BACK HERE IMMEDIATELLY!

A/N: Midgar has a fuck pond. I don't even wanna know…

From: Cid  
To: Vincent  
C: Are ya standing outside my bedroom window?  
V: What? No. Why?  
C: There's someone dressed as Slenderman peeking in at me.  
V: Oh my gods Cid! Run! Run!

A/N: I'm not sure what impressed me more – that Vincent know how to text or that he knows about Slenderman

From: Zack  
To: Angeal  
Z: I made it! I made the 2 class Soldier outtake!  
A: Great job! It must be all my semen!  
Z: …..  
A: I meant support. Although all that mako probably helped to

From: Reno  
To: Elena  
R: Happy future mother day!  
E: What are you talking about? Nothing happened last night.  
R: Wait, that wasn't you at the party?  
E: No. You were so drunk you had sex with Palmer's inflatable doll.  
R: What?!  
E: Happy future STD day!  
R: I'm gonna be sick….

From: Rude  
To: Midgar 911  
R: I require immediate backup!  
911: What is happening?  
R: Two chicks are fighting over me!  
911: Why is that an emergency?  
R: The ugly one is winning!

A/N: Rude has an evil sense of humour!

From: Zack  
To: Angeal  
At: 3 in the morning  
Z: I'M AT THIS RADNOM GAZEBO AND I'M GONNA PISS IN THE FIRE PIT!  
A: What? Did you mean to write something else?  
Z: NO!  
A: Did you drink, eat, smoke or inhale anything Reno gave you?  
Z: YES. NO. MAYBE.  
A:….fine, I'll pick you up. Where are you?  
Z: I SMELL SOUR APPLES AND RABBIT POOP I THINK I'M AT SECTOR 8!  
A: Just try to find a streetlamp and hug it until I can find you.  
Z: THANK YOU MAGICAL UNICORN!


	4. Chapter 4

From: Rufus ShinRa, vice president

To: Lazard Shinra, director of Soldier

R: So what are you doing, brother?

L: Half-brother. Nothing much, just admiring my erection in the mirror.

R: I thought you paid your Soldiers to do that.

L: What? I meant reflection, you twit!

R: This is going straight to ShinRa Net

L: I hate you.

From: Cissney

To: Elena

C: So what was sexting like with him?

E: Pretty much like regular sex. Don't move, moan a little and tell him you liked it.

From: Cid Highwind

To: Vincent Valentine

C: Wanna go grab a few cold ones?

V: Not tonight. I'm having PMS

C: Yer having what?!

V: Pre- Monster Syndrome. Bring me a box of chocolate and something for Galian to chew on.

From: Zack

To: Angeal

Z: You gotta help me, man! The thermometer says I'm pregnant!

A: Lay off the cough syrup, soldier.

From: Sephiroth

To: Genesis

S: Halloween is over. It makes me a bit sad.

G. Why? Because now you can't go outside without people giving you funny looks and pointing?

From: Tseng

To: Reno

At: 2 in the morning

T: If you don't put down that vodka bottle, tomorrow is going to be ugly

R: Got nowhere to put it!

T: Not even the ground?!

R: Wait, I'll check.

From: Reno

To: Rude

Reno: Yo, what happened last night?

Rude: You got piss drunk.

Reno: I wasn't that drunk!

Rude: Dude, you threw a parakeet at a piggy bank and yelled 'Angry Birds'!


End file.
